Hey everybody, hoping you're all well. This journal's a bit of a depressive soul bearing one so I can totally understand if you'll just turn the other way and I don't blame you. I'm never one to be an attention seeker but I do feel I need to say sorry.
I know over the past month or so I've become quite lazy, it's not just you noticing probably, I really am. Truth be told I haven't been a fantastic worker on stuff since that breakdown I had in 2012 where I wanted to disappear from the Internet and lost my dragonOllie15 YouTube channel. I find I get so distracted in other things and can't even bear to pick up my tablet and work on a drawing or something.
Tonight I was looking through the entire conversation history of me and someone I know, you'll know who you are. We've had a few fall outs and whilst we may be friends today I haven't been entirely honest. I haven't really considered you to be a true friend as you might consider me to be. Someone once did that to me, let me think I was his best friend and then cut me down leaving me broken and I just want to say sorry for being deceptive. It's wrong and I realise that now, why you'd even ask for forgiveness from me is nothing compared to what should have been me asking you for forgiveness, I was a total bastard and probably still am. I've been on the receiving end of that and I don't want to see you suffer like I did. I never want to see anyone suffer what I have.
I know lately I've been putting up Darker Wanderings and I've heard nice feedback from several of my close friends, but I kinda wish people would leave a comment about it or ask questions about it. I know I shouldn't expect anything for it, but I have had the whole idea for Darker Wanderings for about 2-3 years now and now that I'm finally putting it out there it's really underwhelming. I'm not saying you HAVE to comment about it, it's one of those messed up circle things that are probably best left unsaid. Even announcing dragonOllie15's Happy Hour 2 was an experiment and sorry to say but it turned out right. I was convinced that people don't care as such for my own original work, but pander to a fandom or hand out free gifts and everyone comes flocking in. I'm always excited to see a new notification, but when it's someone favouriting my ancient MLP:FiM vectors I did 3 YEARS AGO, count 'em, 3, then I feel like I'm just irrelevant, that I can't really entice people in with my creativity any more.
I'm also sorry about not speaking to anyone much, many of you have been a real pal, done me fanart and even felt confident to talk and communicate with me, in this day and age that's a really brave thing, approaching a stranger on the Internet and telling them that you love something about them. Some people try to talk and I just push them away, like I've chosen a band of friends and have decided the band is closed. I'm really, really sorry if I've ever made any of you feel unwanted or that I don't care. I would if I put my mind to it because I do enjoy talking with others and caring for others, but lately I've just fallen into a slump, low self-esteem and low self-confidence really don't help.
The last time I was genuinely excited about something was July, going off to meet Blaze and Fizzy in Belfast. I had the best time I'd had in a while and now being back home surrounded by the same environment, hearing my Mum telling me I need to find a better job, hearing my supervisor at work moaning on about the same old shit, losing sleep because of two brothers who stay up all night playing on their consoles talking to their friends, I've just become miserable, but then I'm no angel browsing the Internet pointlessly late into the night. Recently I attended my cousin's wedding with the family and there was wine with the dinner. I gave the waitress the ok to put a little wine into Harvey's glass, by the time we arrived home that night Harvey was drunk and had thrown up twice, Jack had gone off and had a cigarette with my cousins and Mum blamed it all on me as I was supposed to be looking after them, which I really don't fault her with. Mum's boyfriend was really unforgiving too unfortunately
I feel like I've just lost my usually jolly facade tonight, so you can have a better look at me. Some days I am glad to be here and provide you all with content and share my ideas and characters, but other times I wonder what the point of it all is. I went to college for two years to study Creative Arts & Media and ultimately it's just amassed to nothing. I know over the years I've said I'd do things for people and never got round to them, yes I'm a disappointment and now all the world can know it. Sometimes I suck at this whole artist/author thing and it's often more times than some. I'll certainly be getting to work on those dragonOllie15's Happy Hour 2 gifts just as soon as I can get my tablet to work and stop lagging.
Thank you for your time, all my love if it's worth anything.